Many years ago when I was young, I was married to a woman who I was not in love with and whome I didn't truly want to be with. Moreover, I was very confused about my sexuality and who I was and who I wanted to be with. I was the one to bring up threeways because I wanted to engage in non-monogamy for all the wrong reasons. I wanted to experience being with a man without the guilt of cheating. I quickly realized that I was not only gay and wanted to be with a man, but that my marriage was falling apart, largely due to the fact that my heart was not in it, I wanted out. Engaging in non-monogamy for reasons of exploring your sexuality without telling yourself or your partner the truth, in my opinion, leads to hard feelings and guilt. Ironically I tried to avoid the guilt by choosing threesomes rather than cheating. The issue was that I knew my real feelings and motives and felt as though she was doing this to appease me, not necessarily because she wanted to. This caused me some guilt and also lead me to project my feelings on her and accuse her of having feelings for others. Needless to say we ended our marriage and I came out, but also learned a lesson in making choices regarding non-monogamy.
Fast forward several years and Mr. Bear and I have been together about a year or so and relationship wise we are happy and settled. Mr. Bear and I have always been comfortable with one another talking about other men being attractive or with chatting with others via apps and things of that nature. At this point in our relationship we enjoy a good sex life, but we aren't entirely comfortable sharing with each other our fantasies and deeper sexual desires. Now in all honesty I don't exactly remember how this all came about, but I can remember being in bed together one night talking as new couples do and I was sharing with him the story of my previous experience with non-mon and threeways. I told him how it was something that Ive thought about, but that I was also a little apprehensive about. I was deeply in love with him and didn't desire anything to come between us or to ruin what we had! Mr. Bear had up until this point had been someone that I would consider pretty "vanilla", meaning he didn't seem to have any fetishes or crazy fantasies. To my great surprise he confided that night that he had been intrigued and interested in a threesomes even in his previous long term relationship. He also revealed to me, that having threeways was something he had thought about in our relationship, but had not yet expressed to me. After this initial conversation we had many more conversations on the topic over the next few weeks. We talked at end about out thoughts, feelings and fears, and what rules we wanted in place. We eventually decided that it was something we wished to try on a limited basis. We had a plan and rules we would try this one time and afterword we would be completely honest with one another about how we felt and what our thoughts were before, during and after. The rules were no kissing, no swallowing and no anal sex. That may seem limiting to some, but you have to remember we were new and even in our own relationship we were lets say not particularly crazy into anal sex. So the game plan was we would look for a suitable man that was interested in us and set up a time and place to meet him and we would follow our rules then after we would de-brief and talk about it. Mr. Bear and I posted an add on a popular website and met someone that was in town, we booked a hotel room and nervously we met and carried out our plan. I can remember being in the car after this happened and I asked Mr. Bear how he felt and we agreed the the man we chose was attractive, was into us and a generally nice guy. We looked at each other and laughed because we both agreed while not terrible, the sexual experience itself was comical and lacked a certain something. We discussed our feelings and our thoughts and we both learned that we enjoyed ourselves and in fact enjoyed the experience of not only being with someone else, but that we liked seeing one another in action with another man. We also liked that this was something we could do together. We found it incredibly hot to see the other with another man in such an intimate way and were both pleasantly surprised to not feel or experience any jealously and overall had a good time.
Again, fast forward a few years and we are still happy in our relationship and our sex life has been steadily getting better and growing and expanding. Agreeing to try out the three way opened a whole new world for us. We had more threeways and in doing so we felt more and more comfortable with telling each other our sexual desires and wants and fantasies and fetishes. Mr. Bear became decidedly less "vanilla" to say the least. In some of our discussions we had talked about poly relationships, at first because we know several people in them and in our area and because it was interesting to us. Mr. Bear had expressed interest in being poly a few times and an interest in knowing/exploring more, so explore we did. We talked to others and read articles and searched and learned what we could, that however, did not change the fact that I was apprehensive and somewhat against the idea. Mr. Bear was more ok with and into the idea of a poly relationship than I was. My thinking was more along the lines of open marriage not poly and his views were quite literally the exact opposite. To put it short and simply he felt that an open relationship was a way for me to seek another person to be with and love more than him and in a way take his place and I felt that same way about being poly. We talked this over and both assured the other that our desire to have an open/poly relationship was in no way us trying to replace the other. Even after long talks and understanding where the other was coming from and that we loved and cherished each other we more or less came to an impasse. We were ultimately both uncomfortable with poly and open relationships. But as things do, this topic came up a few more times over the months and we talked about it and as we talked more we worked out our (my) concerns and hangups and put to rest some things that didn't feel right.
I realized that being poly didn't mean he was trying or even wanting to replace me it was him wanting to add to our experience and or love and our relationship. I also came to realize and learn that poly didn't necessarily have to be what I thought it was it could be what we wanted it to be and how we decided it would be. Mr. Bear and I didn't want to loose ourselves we wanted to ensure that whatever journey we decided to embark on that we would not endanger what we had. We were and are so in love with one another and had the kind of relationship and love that we desired our whole lives, nothing was more important than that. Being poly for us was something that we wanted to add to our love and add to our relationship and lives, multiply love not divide. These conversations made me aware of how kind and loving and amazing my husband is and that he had more of that to give and, well, so did I and why would I want to keep that from the universe. We decided to try this to embrace the idea of multiplying our love and to work towards a poly relationship that would work for us. There was more talking and more learning to be done but we knew it was something that we wanted and that we wanted to give a chance to grow and blossom and to start what we hoped would be a beautiful journey and one that could better our lives. So here we are learning and loving and expanding our view of marriage and relationships.
On an ending note we would like anyone who reads this to know that we have chosen to embrace a poly lifestyle and realize that it is not for everyone. We do however invite you you to follow us and lean and grow with us and enjoy our stories and insights on what its like for us.
Fast forward several years and Mr. Bear and I have been together about a year or so and relationship wise we are happy and settled. Mr. Bear and I have always been comfortable with one another talking about other men being attractive or with chatting with others via apps and things of that nature. At this point in our relationship we enjoy a good sex life, but we aren't entirely comfortable sharing with each other our fantasies and deeper sexual desires. Now in all honesty I don't exactly remember how this all came about, but I can remember being in bed together one night talking as new couples do and I was sharing with him the story of my previous experience with non-mon and threeways. I told him how it was something that Ive thought about, but that I was also a little apprehensive about. I was deeply in love with him and didn't desire anything to come between us or to ruin what we had! Mr. Bear had up until this point had been someone that I would consider pretty "vanilla", meaning he didn't seem to have any fetishes or crazy fantasies. To my great surprise he confided that night that he had been intrigued and interested in a threesomes even in his previous long term relationship. He also revealed to me, that having threeways was something he had thought about in our relationship, but had not yet expressed to me. After this initial conversation we had many more conversations on the topic over the next few weeks. We talked at end about out thoughts, feelings and fears, and what rules we wanted in place. We eventually decided that it was something we wished to try on a limited basis. We had a plan and rules we would try this one time and afterword we would be completely honest with one another about how we felt and what our thoughts were before, during and after. The rules were no kissing, no swallowing and no anal sex. That may seem limiting to some, but you have to remember we were new and even in our own relationship we were lets say not particularly crazy into anal sex. So the game plan was we would look for a suitable man that was interested in us and set up a time and place to meet him and we would follow our rules then after we would de-brief and talk about it. Mr. Bear and I posted an add on a popular website and met someone that was in town, we booked a hotel room and nervously we met and carried out our plan. I can remember being in the car after this happened and I asked Mr. Bear how he felt and we agreed the the man we chose was attractive, was into us and a generally nice guy. We looked at each other and laughed because we both agreed while not terrible, the sexual experience itself was comical and lacked a certain something. We discussed our feelings and our thoughts and we both learned that we enjoyed ourselves and in fact enjoyed the experience of not only being with someone else, but that we liked seeing one another in action with another man. We also liked that this was something we could do together. We found it incredibly hot to see the other with another man in such an intimate way and were both pleasantly surprised to not feel or experience any jealously and overall had a good time.
Again, fast forward a few years and we are still happy in our relationship and our sex life has been steadily getting better and growing and expanding. Agreeing to try out the three way opened a whole new world for us. We had more threeways and in doing so we felt more and more comfortable with telling each other our sexual desires and wants and fantasies and fetishes. Mr. Bear became decidedly less "vanilla" to say the least. In some of our discussions we had talked about poly relationships, at first because we know several people in them and in our area and because it was interesting to us. Mr. Bear had expressed interest in being poly a few times and an interest in knowing/exploring more, so explore we did. We talked to others and read articles and searched and learned what we could, that however, did not change the fact that I was apprehensive and somewhat against the idea. Mr. Bear was more ok with and into the idea of a poly relationship than I was. My thinking was more along the lines of open marriage not poly and his views were quite literally the exact opposite. To put it short and simply he felt that an open relationship was a way for me to seek another person to be with and love more than him and in a way take his place and I felt that same way about being poly. We talked this over and both assured the other that our desire to have an open/poly relationship was in no way us trying to replace the other. Even after long talks and understanding where the other was coming from and that we loved and cherished each other we more or less came to an impasse. We were ultimately both uncomfortable with poly and open relationships. But as things do, this topic came up a few more times over the months and we talked about it and as we talked more we worked out our (my) concerns and hangups and put to rest some things that didn't feel right.
I realized that being poly didn't mean he was trying or even wanting to replace me it was him wanting to add to our experience and or love and our relationship. I also came to realize and learn that poly didn't necessarily have to be what I thought it was it could be what we wanted it to be and how we decided it would be. Mr. Bear and I didn't want to loose ourselves we wanted to ensure that whatever journey we decided to embark on that we would not endanger what we had. We were and are so in love with one another and had the kind of relationship and love that we desired our whole lives, nothing was more important than that. Being poly for us was something that we wanted to add to our love and add to our relationship and lives, multiply love not divide. These conversations made me aware of how kind and loving and amazing my husband is and that he had more of that to give and, well, so did I and why would I want to keep that from the universe. We decided to try this to embrace the idea of multiplying our love and to work towards a poly relationship that would work for us. There was more talking and more learning to be done but we knew it was something that we wanted and that we wanted to give a chance to grow and blossom and to start what we hoped would be a beautiful journey and one that could better our lives. So here we are learning and loving and expanding our view of marriage and relationships.
On an ending note we would like anyone who reads this to know that we have chosen to embrace a poly lifestyle and realize that it is not for everyone. We do however invite you you to follow us and lean and grow with us and enjoy our stories and insights on what its like for us.
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