Can you have a family and be poly?

Can you have a family and be engaged in a polyamorous lifestyle? Can you raise healthy children when you are poly or non-mon? In short, I believe that the answer is yes. In this entry, I aim to talk about our experiences in being non-mon and poly with children as well as look at some of the challenges that come with this lifestyle and family.

Like many relationships, poly ones have many different dynamics with people from all walks of life and all backgrounds, that includes those with kids. Mr. Bear and I do have a pre-teenaged son who is an awesome kid, we will call him K, and two older children who don't live at home. Mr.Bear and I our son K and grandma all share a family home together and the four of us make up our immediate family unit. Now to start, neither grandma or K know that we are poly or non-mon for that matter. We haven't shared the non-mon/open part with really anyone besides one very good friend. This is mostly due to the fact that our sex life and furthermore our extracurricular sex life isn't their concern, nor does it involve them. Being poly isn't something we've shared with them either and here's why, we simply did not want to involve them until the time came when we found someone serious enough to introduce them to. As parents, we strive very hard to give K a stable and structured home life and until that someone comes around and we are serious with them enough to make introductions, it can wait.

Dating as a couple is odd by itself, dating and being a parent gives it a whole new aura. When Mr. Bear and I are just in the initial stage of chatting with someone we don't immediately bring up we have a kid. We both prefer to use that time to get to know someone on a pretty basic level, likes and dislikes, information about their lives and get a feel if were all compatible and on the same page. If talk gets more serious more along the lines of poly relationships and dating and potential meetings/dates we take that as a queue to breach the subject. We know that not everyone likes kids and although we aren't asking them to raise ours we ultimately do come as a package deal, so we feel why wait to ask the person how they feel. It may seem forward to some but for us, we would much rather get this out in the open and figure out where everyone stands rather than wait and have waisted there or our time. Most people have been ok with it and are pretty open. On the flip side to this, we also are curious to know what the other person is wanting as far as future children. Mr. Bear and I are cool dating or seeing a guy with a kid (s) but for us, we don't have a desire to have more. It's important to get an idea of what the other person wants because we would never want to limit his opportunity or desire to have more kids just because we don't. That too may seem odd, but we have encountered the situation where this topic was brought up later than should have been and it wasn't good. In short, the other man was young and wanted to have a baby in the future, it was something that he wanted to experience, and we were not willing to change our stance on that issue. He later tried to take it back and said he would choose to be with us rather than have a child of his own but to us, that was not fair to him. As a young man he had so much time and opportunity and we did not in any way want to be the reason he gave up that goal and dream, but I will write an entire entry on that whole relationship and experience in time.

For us, we find the most important "challenge" is to balance family time and time spent on others. Pursuing a poly triad is something that we want and are looking for, but we also have a family and that comes with its obligations as well. Mr. Bear and I are very hands-on parents and are involved in school, sports, friends etc. as much as possible and that's important to us. We have always made it a point to have "us" time, time that is just him and I to spend together and talk and decompress. The benefit for us is that we desire a poly triad in which all three members are equal and apart of one large relationship, as much as possible of course. I say that this is a benefit because for us dating someone or getting to know them is something that we engage in together and we like that. So, when we want to go on a date or a get together we use what would normally be "our time" but were still together and we still are pursuing a mutual interest. Life is a balancing act in many ways and for us being poly and having a family is just another facet of our life that we make work.

One issue that we have encountered on this journey so far has been people and how they interpret this lifestyle and how it relates to children. I have had one person express to me that people who are non-mon are not providing a good environment or a good example. To this I say, bitch, please! As I have said before we know that poly or any form of non-mon isn't for everyone and we respect that, however, it is for us. In my mind, I can’t see the problem with a kid knowing that his or her parent (s) have an abundance of love and affection and want to share that and multiply love. How can that be bad? Also, I fail to see how it would be a bad environment. It's not as though we have a revolving door of strange men or put our child in any dangerous or questionable situations. Mr. Bear and I wish K to grow up knowing that we are open to new ideas and new ways of doing things and to know that we are accepting of him and who he wants to be and how he chooses to live his life. Even if our kids chose to grow up and in a monogamous traditional relationship we would still love and support them just as we would if they chose a less traditional path.

Overall being non-mon and poly with a family has been a great experience. We find that being true to who you are and following the path that is right for you and your partner is really the best option. There will, we hope, be a day when we do sit down with K and grandma and tell them that we have found someone that we care about and that we hope they could grow to care about as well. With some rules and planning we truly believe that this lifestyle can work and can be great. As with any life-changing decision or path, it takes communication and forethought, but knowing what you want and what your plan is will make things much easier. Mr. Bear and I truly believe that being open and honest from the very beginning is the best plan and the easiest way to avoid issues further down the line. So, can you be poly with a family, we say yes.